Maybe I can make a proper post now. The worst rollercoaster feelings are gone and left is a more clear understanding of the situation and a more focused perspective on things. There’s not really any panic or anxiety left, just a stubborn determination – a defiance that won’t be silenced. Life threw another curveball at me last week but I’m still here. Both feet planted in the soil of Mother Earth and telling life that the more curveballs it throws at me the more stubborn I get and I’m going to keep moving forward no matter what. In my book it’s like this: the only way back is going forward.

I’ve decided that I could be cast for the next Toy Story movie. Without having to audition. I have the perfect sound for wheezy (joke of course). Then I know it’s time for the exercises that will help. It’s about getting used to a new daily routine and finding out what can be done with what we have. This isn’t going away so now what? This is nothing special. This is the journey of realization that most people go through, when they’re met with news that changes their life. In the ambulance on the way to the hospital last thursday I thought: this is it! And I’m not ashamed to say that I haven’t been this scared for many many years. Never tried to be taken to the hospital with sirens and everything. Scary stuff..

Of course.. I should’ve known. Life’s not quite finished with me just yet. Besides.. if I quit now it would mess up the plan I have for when I really will go. My plan is to be cremated, the ashes are to be sent to the IRS with a little note that says: now you’ve got everything – have a nice day. You know.. just like a last morbid joke (love those) 😈
Anyway.. when they were finished with their poking and prodding, the verdict was COPD or KOL as it’s called here. Same thing. The bronchitis is the big culprit here, but I’ve added to the mess too. So..

Got released and the first thing I did when I came home last friday was to get the tobacco the filters and everything related to smoking, put it into a bag, tied a couple of knots and threw it into the garbage can. Outside. Because I know 2 things: 1. I will be tempted – been there, done that – it’s inevitable and 2: the garbage truck is coming monday.. 3 days.. That has to be the end of it. This time. This time for sure. There is no room for failure this time!

I saw the garbage truck come. For once I watched it. The guy getting the garbage can, placing it in the thingy, let the truck do it’s thing and releasing it again; empty…
It was oddly satisfying. It sounds stupid but I felt a sense of relief in that moment. So weird but it’s like it can’t get to me anymore. It’s gone and I’ll do what ever I have to to keep it that way. Worst part is.. I still want to.. I can’t and I won’t.. but I still want to.. sigh.. it’ll get better 😉. Eventually. Hang in there. Move focus..

So.. I do what I can to keep the head busy. Finding the food/drink items that are good for a COPD and learning what to avoid. It’s confusing because e.g.: no dairy but full-fat yogurt and cheese is ok. Maybe. But.. that’s dairy so which is it?? I don’t understand. So confusing and I’m still trying to find out, but if there’s anyone out there who would like to add something, please feel free to do so. Every little bit helps.

The body has to be busy too. I bought myself a Rollator Walker (best translation I could find). I can walk just fine. It’s the seat I’m after and the possibility to sit down to catch my breath and it’s a great help. I want to be able to go and do stuff with Moxxi, she needs her daily exercise and so do I. It’s rather difficult to push across a semi long lawn, but it was a great exercise. It’s great in the kitchen too. I can sit and cook and as a bonus there is a basket to collect produce in so I can get it all in one go. That’s really neat! The tray means moving several dishes to their place at once or e.g. lunch or whatever. I really like this one.

I know.. it’s absolute drivel to some, but I’m new at this and it helped me to put words together and organize a bit, and if it can help just one person in any way then it’s worth it.

A little fall beauty to look at. The birds like the apples I left on the tree for them, small birds hide between the small red berries and the colours are just beautiful now. Have a really great day and stay safe ❤

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5 thoughts on “Realization..

  1. I’m sorry to hear of your health problems. I used to smoke, too but have quit many years ago. It was hard. I put them in the freezer once but went diving for them soon enough. 🙂 My dad was a smoker and I was surprised that he had no trouble quitting. But he still ended up having copd. I was a nurse on a pulmonary ward in the hospital. I was trying to remember some of the medications but my brain is mush now. I do remember that tea helps . Take care.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hehe yeah, it’s hard to quit for some of us. A friend of mine decided to quit on a trip
      to Thailand. 14+ hour flight and no smoking on board. So he thought “why not” – hasn’t touched a cigaret since. I couldn’t do that. Gradual reduction is more my style and I was down to a fragment of my usual when the bronchitis pulled the brake. But I talked to the doctors and they said that not all copd’s have been smoking. But quitting definately helps. No meds, just exercise and healthy food. But I’ll remember the tea. Thanks so much. You take care as well ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Sorry about your health issues. I quit smoking ten years ago but am on the same path. Exercise and healthy eating are good. I have been told (and I am really trying) that meditation is more effective than any inhalers they have you on – anything that helps one to relax. Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I suppose meditation could work, it’s worth a try. Breathing exercises are really effective too. Haven’t tried an inhaler other than in the hospital so I don’t know what they’re like, but a good book is also a relaxing imo. I wish you all the best. Stay safe ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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